Tag Archives: choices

Organize Your Choices Strategically to Create what you Want

Posted in Developing the Possibilities Mindset, Practicing Self Mastery by

mocha moments

Sometimes it’s easy for us to say “I have no choice…”which (according to Robert Fritz, author of ‘The Path of Least Resistance’) is one of the ways that people avoid or undermine effective choice by losing the potential power of choice – yet choices abound. Even if you don’t SEE the choice – it’s there.

What we call choices though, is what everyone else has done already. We’ve looked to this person, company or that business’s best practices to guide us. Like the investor who wants to be like Warren Buffett, the airline that wants to grow like Southwest, the innovator who wants to be like Steve Jobs. Sure we can learn from others but when it comes to our choices – it’s not about copying – it’s about truly wanting whatever it is you’re choosing.

Which brings us to creating: most of us don’t associate making choices as part of our creative process. In fact most of us don’t think we’re creative. The world to us is divided up into two large groups: the ‘creatives’ and the rest of us. Sir Ken Robinson actually suggests that it is schools that kill our creativity.  “We’re all born with deep natural capacities for creativity and systems of mass education tend to suppress them,” he says. According to Fritz, (whose book I mentioned earlier) – this is largely because choice is not the centrepiece of our education. He says that when the subject of choice becomes a centrepiece of education, then and only then will be begin to prepare our children to create their own futures rather than futures that grow out of how they react or respond to circumstances.

Whenever we’re asked what we WANT to create, we almost always come up with a list of what we DON’T want! In performance reviews when asked what we’d like to do in the future – how we see ourselves growing and evolving – we’re stuck – limited primarily by choices we feel are available/on the table.

The first step when deciding on what we want is to not limit our choices to only what SEEMS possible or reasonable. When we do this we disconnect from what we truly want and settle for compromise.

Next forget EVERYTHING that you KNOW. Stop Workplace Drama Coach Marlene Chism teaches that the three words that put the lid on possibility are “I already know.”

“I already know it’s not possible”

“I already know what he’ll say”

“I already know what she’s teaching in this workshop”

“This won’t work. I already know why…”

“I already know it’s not a good idea”

“I already know the facts”

“I already know that nothing is going to come out of this”

I would also call those three words the ultimate formula to kill any creative seed.

Instead of assuming that you know ask yourself instead “what results do I want to create in my business or life?” Be as clear as you can be because if that vision is not clear you will have little chance of creating what you desire. Don’t let impatience or the underlying belief that it won’t happen anyway prevent you from plugging in details. Again remember that you’re choosing what you WANT not what you think you SHOULD want or what others have at your age etc.

Next you put together the strategic choices that you must make along the way – choices about the actions you need to take, your values and the priorities that will guide you and support your efforts.

But the choice that is going to determine whether you create what you want or not is the choice I want to focus on here because it is THAT important: it is called ‘Fundamental Choice.’ Robert Fritz says that primary choice – is the concrete result that we desire whereas a fundamental choice is about life orientation or a state of being.

Why some people are successful or not, has a lot to do with their fundamental choice. Ever tried to stop smoking for example? If you have never made the fundamental choice to be a non smoker then no matter what system you try to help you quit smoking, it will not succeed. I recently saw an episode of ‘Iyanla Fix My Life’ on the OWN network where Iyanla Vanzant was trying to help DMX establish a better relationship with his son. Xavier – DMX’s son – was clear about what results he wanted. He wanted a relationship with his father that was healthy and CLEAN. By CLEAN he meant that DMX could not use any drugs or else it would contaminate their relating.  DMX, who admitted that he was a coke addict, was not prepared to make the fundamental choice to live a clean life.

Those of us who never exercise our power to choose…to create… live in a reactive-responsive world. We have never stopped to think about making an authentic fundamental choice about our own lives.

Decide today to be the creative force in your own life. This will lay the foundation for everything else. Decide to be true to yourself. Decide to live a healthy lifestyle. Every time you’re at a junction of choice-making – see how the decisions you want to make align with the fundamental choices you have made. You may have to rearrange your life, leave the job you’re in, realize that the position you were after was just a SHOULD and not what you wanted but it will all fall into place.

This journey is improvisational. There are no rule books. You will create forward but create you will.

Making choices will take practice but if you develop your ability then you will make choices that would lead you toward those results you want. Choice is a vital part of your creative process. You are the creative force in your life. You improve your creative abilities by using them. Practice making choices and feel the power of your creative self in action.

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Torn between loyalty and keeping the peace –

Posted in Practicing Self Mastery by

mocha moments

Here is one woman’s fight with her truth!

[ This article was published in the Trinidad and Tobago Express Woman's Magazine in 2007]

Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote: “A lie which is half a truth is ever the blackest of lies.” On the basis of what is “acceptable” many conclude that if everyone is doing or thinking something then it must be normal and correct. And so it is in the world of sport. And yes I’m talking again about doping but only because this time I received an email from Betsy Andreu, wife of Frankie Andreu – former team mate and friend of Lance Armstrong – seven time Tour de France winner!

I must admit, when I first received the email – I didn’t even KNOW who Betsy Andreu was. Of course feedback is important for everyone including writers so I welcomed her comments on an article I wrote about Marion Jones titled “Can We Ever Forgive Marion Jones?”. She asked me if I had read David Walsh’s book “From Lance to Landis” where he made a distinction between those who dope as ‘the draggers’ and those who don’t want to dope but do it anyway as ‘dragged’? “When you surround yourself by people who don’t think anything is wrong with doping or encourage it, it makes it all the easier to justify.  You have to look at one’s character to see why one would be surrounded by these people who lack integrity to begin with.  Tell me who your friends are and I’ll tell you who you are,” she said.

Mrs. Andreu talked about her own husband’s doping ordeal. He used EPO. She felt that her husband saw no other way. To compete professionally and make a living he had to “do as the Romans were doing.” “Frankie rode the Tour clean in 2000 and didn’t have a contract to ride professionally ever again. That’s the consequence of not being a ‘team player’.”

In September 2006, Frankie Andreu, who twice helped Lance Armstrong win the Tour de France, stood in the kitchen of his Detroit home and faced the question: Had he ever doped? The first time Betsy Andreu heard of doping within the cycling fraternity was in the hospital conference room when Lance was being questioned by the doctors about his use of performance enhancing drugs. Betsy and Frankie were engaged and she threatened to call off their wedding if he was involved in a dope program. He told her he wasn’t. Ten years and three children later, Frankie Andreu confessed to doping. This time, his wife didn’t want to say what she was thinking out loud. Instead, she wrote a note and placed it on his pillow. It said: ‘I’m prouder of you than I’ve ever been before, and I respect you more than I ever have,’”

When I spoke with Betsy she shared that she was on an “all out crusade” to clear her good name. If you Google Betsy Andreu – it’s possible that you may not find a single positive comment about her. While Frankie is aware of all his wife’s interviews he remains reticent – sorry, very supportive of his wife – but quietly so. Betsy has another fight on her hands: no one believes her. In a deposition, she testified that the couple and four other people visited Armstrong when he was undergoing cancer treatment in October 1996 and that, in front of all of them, he told a doctor that he had taken an array of performance-enhancing drugs. (After the hospital visit, she confronted her husband about his own involvement in doping. This was when she threatened to call off their wedding. It would be another three years in 1999 before Betsy would find out about Frankie’s drug use.) Other than Frankie, no one else in the room that day has supported the admission.

Betsy holds on to her truth. “I may not have control over what happens in the world, but I DO have control over what happens in my home!” With three young children, all under eight, Betsy and Frankie together will tell them the truth someday, about their Dad. Betsy certainly isn’t afraid to be the circle, so to speak, fitting into the square peg of what is accepted as “normal” for cycling. She understands that they are paying a financial price [there are no book deals, no more cycling contracts (Frankie is now past the age for competition)], and of course the price of unpopularity.

Betsy offered in her email to me: “It would’ve been interesting to see how this would’ve panned out had she (Marion Jones) had a foundation raising millions for those afflicted with cancer.” That provoked a lot of thoughts for me. As I listened to a radio interview earlier this year Betsy concluded the show with a question that has left me “unsettled”… “Is a hope – who is a fraud, better than no hope at all?”

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Do Women Know What They Want?

Posted in Practicing Self Mastery by

I was having breakfast recently with an old co-worker turned mastermind colleague and friend. We were exchanging what men like to call ‘war’ stories of what was going on in our businesses and lives and what we were presently ‘battling’ with. We looked at where we were, working together at the same company, and where we are now—building businesses as self-employed professionals and some of the issues that kept us stuck for a very long time.

Society definitely had a part to play in the stories we told about ourselves or felt that we had to. The society driven benchmarks were numerous: house you lived in, car you drove, the kind of businesses you did work for and what you wore.

As we sipped cappuccinos we both concluded that living a façade just never worked for us and as much as we tried to fit in, we almost always got rejected because we rejected ourselves first. We both were guilty of ‘playing the game’ but could not sustain that behaviour for a prolonged period of time before ‘outing’ our real selves.

The truth is that we all have insecurities. Many times we do things just to fit in and to be accepted. The reality is that while we think we’re smart at concealing our vulnerabilities by our big talk and ‘machesse’ exterior, it is the very thing that others who don’t have our best interest at heart, capitalise on. As long as we view our weaknesses as vulnerabilities, they will hold us back and work against us.

In her book The Art of War for Women Ching Ning Chu says, “We have trained our minds to think of success in a certain way—the male way; it’s about getting ahead, climbing the corporate ladder and becoming CEO.”

Contrary definitions of success feel awkward to us. We suppress our definitions because we feel they may be unacceptable and if we actually tell the truth about what we want our carefully cultivated life as it is will come crashing down around us. So we remain in the rut of going through the motions, unconsciously lying to ourselves and pursuing what we think we should instead of what is truly important to us.

Ching Ning Chu’s insight is like a bright light piercing reality. She says, “If many women were honest with themselves, they will admit that they don’t want to be CEOs. Some just want a certain level of comfort and a decent paycheck; they want to be able to take care of their family, spend time with their friends, read good books, travel, and wear sneakers and comfortable clothes…”

This is not to say that some women don’t want to be CEO but shouldn’t your decision come from your choice and not because you don’t want to be seen by others as not ambitious?

The sad truth is that instead of “fessing up” to their reality many women blame the “glass ceiling.” It’s much easier to say, “They just won’t promote a woman” than it is to be honest and say “I really don’t want the pressure and time commitment that comes with a top job.”

There is absolutely nothing wrong in the choices you make. Society could never determine what is right or wrong for you—only you deserve to embrace that power. The problem is not with the choices we make—that you want to put family first, work shorter hours, not have your career consume your every waking moment, or desire to give everything you got in your pursuit of the CEO position.

The point is that we must choose. After leaving my job in 1994 I knew that I could NEVER go back to work for someone else as an employee EVER again. What is your vision for yourself? What do you really see that no one but you knows about? What are your aspirations? In the work that you do now: what parts do you absolutely love, are drawn too, execute flawlessly? Which aspects do you dislike? Hate doing?

Whatever you decide on—don’t lie. Don’t justify. Just be proud of the choice you’ve made and begin right now, wherever you are to be that person. Sure men have discriminated against women, but be honest and recognise that the major force keeping us back is our own confusion about what we want.

It’s funny. Everyone seems to know what women want—but do we know? Now’s a good time to find out!

cartoon from http://www.cartoonstock.com – tzun3581.jpg

Put Away the Knife…

Posted in Practicing Self Mastery by

Of shame, blame, fear and remorse.

By Marcia Reynolds, PsyD

Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame gave the closing keynote at the Women’s Conference I spoke at in Omaha. Her brief yet powerful speech left us all feeling a little less crazy and immensely more content with life. I don’t think she would mind if I shared the secret with you.

She started by saying, “People think my life is together so I should be able to help them get their life together.” She didn’t disclaim the idea. Instead, she launched into her sense of where women stand in the world today.

“We, as women, are living in a most interesting time in history. We are the subjects of a social experiment. Suddenly we have choices, self-sufficiency, freedom…we don’t have thousands of years of role models, or even 50 years.”

She reminded us that our lives used to resemble each other’s whereas now our lives are very different from our sisters and old friends. We struggle with making decisions and then live with worry or regret over the decisions we made.

It is no wonder many of us are neurotic and keep seeking to find the one person who can tell us how to put our lives together and feel happy ever after.

She shared stories of how this ambiguity shows up in all of our lives no matter what choices we make.

Then she described what her day looks like. She starts with an hour of meditation, then an hour of yoga, and then a wonderful breakfast before sitting down to write. Or maybe she sees friends before summoning her muse.

Then she said, “Do you believe this is true? It’s not. I get up every day and do my best, just like you.” She said she often falls short of what she had hoped to accomplish and the days go too fast for her to keep up.

She ended by telling us to “Let go of the knife you are holding at your throat, the knife of shame, blame, fear and remorse.”

There was a long, deathly silence, a clear acknowledgment of how solid her words had hit home with the more than a thousand women in the room.

“Be kind to yourself,” she implored, “especially now. You must give yourself unconditional self-friendship.”

She said a few more things about putting the knife of judgment away and then ended her speech. The room burst with applause. They didn’t mind that she shared nothing new and no secret formula of success.

She shared her humanity. She shared how much she cares about what women are doing to themselves. And she shared a simple, profound truth that we need to hear over and over again.

I have the wonderful opportunity to be in Trinidad and Tobago this week — I will be speaking at A World of Possibilities™ on Thursday — the launch of a yearlong event — speaking directly to the needs of women — just as Elizabeth Gilbert described — all of you at a crossroads in your lives and confronted with so many different decisions that you can’t help but feel a little crazy. It’s my first time to your country and I look forward to sharing and meeting as many of you as I can.

After that Women’s Conference I have even more admiration for Elizabeth Gilbert, as a speaker and a wise woman (and of course, as an author). I will do my best to put the knife away today. What about you?

Have You Mastered the Art of Ignoring Pain?

Posted in Practicing Self Mastery by

A couple weeks ago I believe I damaged my shoulder. I think it had something to do with my large TV, a skinny TV repair man, me doing some heavy lifting and the angle that we had to hold the TV in order to place it safely on the back seat of the car. [Can we say 'THANK GOD for the flat screen TV invention?]

Anyway, the only time that I really feel the pain in my shoulder is when I am stretching my arm as in reaching to take off the alarm on my phone, that’s perched on my bedside table or when I am changing a t-shirt.

The thing is once I don’t stretch it or lie on the side of the injured shoulder, I’m fine. So I’ve basically ignored it going on now more than a month I’m sure.

This morning I decided to call my physiotherapist. So she told me to ice, 15 minutes, twice a day and then see if I’m still in pain and then come see her, unless of course I’m having trouble hooking my bra. Then I needed to book an appointment immediately!

I said “well no – I’m not having trouble until my brain offered ‘d-uh that’s because you’re hooking in the front!’ ” :) When I  tried to put my hand up behind my back, needless to say I couldn’t.

Panic.

Now pain, that I’d been experiencing for days on end because as much as I’d like to think I could contain stretching, I couldn’t, is now escalated to emergency – must see the physiotherapist YESTERDAY!

Aren’t our lives similar? We make it through because we get good at ignoring the pain we’re in?

Superhero gifts come in all shapes and sizes, identifying their owners as someone apart. A girl on an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy” thought she was a superhero because she felt no pain. You could kick her, pinch her, scrape her, burn her — she wouldn’t flinch. But she wasn’t a superhero. She had a rare disorder called CIPA – congenital insensitivity to pain.

Sam Crowley says “many of us have emotional CIPA and we go through our lives functioning just fine, somewhat comfortable, and completely oblivious to the pain we may be suffering from. “I don’t want to get dramatic here”, he says “but unfortunately the facts tell us our emotions and the thoughts we have on a daily basis control the quality of our lives if we aren’t paying attention. They affect the choices we make, our perspective on life and our reactions to its events. That pretty much means that whatever you’re feeling is affecting your life and the quality of your life whether you know it or not. So if you’re unaware of how you’re feeling right now – if you have no idea what pain you’re in or why you’re dissatisfied…guess what? That unidentified pain is in the driver’s seat and it greatly influences the direction your life takes.”

Please don’t wait for as long as I did, to determine exactly what shape you’re in. Stop fooling yourself by saying things like “it will change just now, things will get better soon.” This is not going to happen on its own. YOU need to be in the drivers seat and take control of alleviating and then eliminating that pain altogether.

Don’t wait till it reaches a crisis stage when you have no choice but to pay attention. Deal with ‘it’ now, whatever that is.

In my case, I’m seeing my physiotherapist next week!

Image from http://www.ladyzona.com

Choices have consequences, Choose authenticity!

Posted in Developing the Possibilities Mindset by

As published in the Express Woman Magazine October 3rd 2010 as part of the Women In Leadership Series where Dr. Marcia Reynolds and I explore the barriers that are still in the workplace and the world at large and help women confront their inner demons before they can find the peace they desperately seek. If they do this, their burdens can become joys and their restless spirits can become the passionate energy that helps them find, explore, and achieve their purposeful path.

Making choices will bring consequences, whether good or bad. This is obvious — I know. But why do people fail to grasp the magnitude of this reality? Why is it that we live our lives as if the choices we make have nothing to do with the results we are experiencing? We all know that we will reap what we sow – whether it is physical, financial, mental, emotional, or spiritual — it will come back to us multiplied. This increase can be incredibly good or terribly bad — depending on the seeds sown. Yet why don’t we pay more attention to the seeds?

Part of the reason is that we live unconsciously. We operate without thinking through or for that matter stopping to think why we make the choices we do. Of course not all consequences are bad and those are definitely consequences for making right choices.

Yet we’ve all experienced minor choices having a major impact on our lives.

The thing is you never know how large the impact may be from a seemingly minor choice. Like the little ones we make that are not in keeping with who we know we are, but yet we make them anyway because that’s what everyone else is doing! We don’t really like to go liming on a Friday and would prefer to stay home and work on our book project but we go anyway. We don’t really like being aggressive at work but that’s what is required to get the job done — so we’ve been told. We really like how the new hire in accounting is thinking and would like to get to know her better — perhaps become friends but mixing friends and business never works so instead you come across cold and aloof. You are about to sign a huge contract that could help your business through a particularly rough patch when some information regarding the reputation of the investor crosses your desk, and it’s not good. In fact it makes you feel uncomfortable yet you sacrifice your values because you feel that this is your only ticket out of the financial mess that you’re in.

How disciplined an individual are you? The rise and fall of discipline in your life, is really the rise and fall of you. Whenever you begin to display discipline in your life you get opposition. Ever tried quitting alcohol consumption for lent or “just because”? Most times someone will be all too willing to let you know that one drink won’t hurt. What about announcing that you would like to start writing from seven o’clock every morning? Why be so regimented some may enquire? Life needs variety — why don’t you relax a little?

The only things that do not require discipline are bad habits. It’s easy to follow this path of least resistance — we all have at some point in time in our lives. Every one of us has been given gifts and talents that no one else can do but us. It may seem humble to you and may appear as if anyone ought to be able to do it yet only you can do it in that particular way and do it supremely well. Sadly many of us get talked out of our dreams, or talked down from our goals because they are too lofty and settle for less because we choose to live a less than authentic life.

At the base of every building is a foundation. Were it not for a strong foundation the elements of the weather would bring any structure eventually to its knees. Similarly if you build your life on a foundation of integrity it shows in the long-term. Integrity includes taking 100 per cent responsibility for everything in your life, keeping your word, being honest, standing your ground for what you know to be right, never blaming others for your circumstances, and making conscious right choices.

When you choose authenticity then you choose to live with integrity. Think about all the times you thought you lost by choosing integrity only to realise that you did not lose anything in the long run. The truth always surfaces and what’s done in the dark always comes to light. When you compromise your authenticity and ultimately your integrity whatever you gain might be temporary at best but will bring you long-term hurt in the end. Being authentic and living with integrity is like the bedrock upon which anything can stand, no matter how high you go. Choose authenticity!

Giselle Hudson is a speaker, author, and master mind coach™, planting possibility seeds and unleashing the greatness in people who’ve never seen the greatness in themselves. If you want to learn more about the ideas written in this article or would like the FREE report “Standing at the Junction – How to Become your ‘Next’ Self”, send an email to womenleaderseries@gmail.com


Photo from http://www.momimprovement.com

The magic of writing your goals down…EVERYDAY

Posted in Practicing Self Mastery by

Goals.

Glad you got here and are reading this :)

I know that you don’t need another set of guidelines regarding goal setting. You know it all and you understand logically its importance.

I bet you also understand visualization yet, can you really visualize your goals…in detail…in 3D?

Although I would describe myself as a creative person, I have a lot of difficulty visualizing what I want. And so I have resorted to cutting pictures out of magazines of things I want to do, houses I want to live in and places I want to visit. The only thing is, I sometimes forget to look at it!

Which is quite a bummer. Recently I was introduced to a great little product being offered with a free try out version (which is now closed unfortunately :) ) but you can read more about it here. I think it’s fabulous because you can customize it, and match pictures to affirmations and it links to your screen saver so it kicks in nicely whenever you take a much needed break.

What I have found to be absolutely fantastic is simply to write my goals out (yes long hand) in my journal everyday! (Usually in the morning). I have also recently added reviewing my goals just before going to bed at night.

What are the benefits of this activity?

  1. It keeps me focused with my goals clearly in my mind at the start of the day. This of course helps me in making better choices since I want the choices I make in every moment to take me closer to my goals and not away from them!
  2. I can put my daily activities into perspective because I know I have an objective and understand fully why I must do what I’m doing NOW!
  3. Now I am more aware if an activity is NOT taking me towards my goals and can, sans guilt, eliminate it! :)

I would love to hear about any other techniques that you might use to keep focused and motivated on a daily basis.

Take a moment to comment below…Thanks :)

Do your cringe when people ask…”So what do you do?”

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Or variations of that…like “What are you doing today?” or “What are your plans for today?”

I used to feel awkward – A LOT! – with questions like those.

When asked what I did, I always felt as if I were starring in a spy movie and I was the impostor. I never really took myself seriously – and so it would be as if I were asking myself the question all over again – “so exactly WHAT do YOU do Giselle?”

I berated myself for always choosing something else, that was the ‘sure thing’ – and then not sticking with it long enough. This was evidenced by a new question posed “so what are you doing NOW?”

Then I found myself taking in front, as we say here in Trinidad, and TELLING anyone who cared to listen – ALL the stuff I had to do on any particular day. And if asked the question “What are you doing or have planned for today?” – if I didn’t have anything – I’d make up something and then secretly feel ashamed of myself that I was not being productive and that of course there was an entire Universe of production surrounding me – and I was the only lazy person on the planet!

Journaling has brought some sense of balance to this entire situation of questions in this particular productivity genre.

I realized just this morning that I am NOT my to-do list. Having a long or equally short one does not increase or decrease my self-worth!

What IS important is that I have some mission in my life – a purpose – a burning desire to make a difference.

What matters is that I have a couple of goals, that I could revisit in the morning that would keep me focused and guide my choices during any given day.

What will keep me sane, AND GROUNDED, is to stop looking at other people’s lives and assuming what’s going on ‘over there’ and of course stop comparing my life and myself to them.

So today I commit to just being a better Gis.

I welcome being asked “what I do?” because I am excited by the possibilities that my life’s work affords

And today I am happy to say that I am FREE of my to-do list and will no longer identify with it as an indicator or reflection of who I am!