Tag Archives: love

Put Away the Knife…

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Of shame, blame, fear and remorse.

By Marcia Reynolds, PsyD

Elizabeth Gilbert of Eat, Pray, Love fame gave the closing keynote at the Women’s Conference I spoke at in Omaha. Her brief yet powerful speech left us all feeling a little less crazy and immensely more content with life. I don’t think she would mind if I shared the secret with you.

She started by saying, “People think my life is together so I should be able to help them get their life together.” She didn’t disclaim the idea. Instead, she launched into her sense of where women stand in the world today.

“We, as women, are living in a most interesting time in history. We are the subjects of a social experiment. Suddenly we have choices, self-sufficiency, freedom…we don’t have thousands of years of role models, or even 50 years.”

She reminded us that our lives used to resemble each other’s whereas now our lives are very different from our sisters and old friends. We struggle with making decisions and then live with worry or regret over the decisions we made.

It is no wonder many of us are neurotic and keep seeking to find the one person who can tell us how to put our lives together and feel happy ever after.

She shared stories of how this ambiguity shows up in all of our lives no matter what choices we make.

Then she described what her day looks like. She starts with an hour of meditation, then an hour of yoga, and then a wonderful breakfast before sitting down to write. Or maybe she sees friends before summoning her muse.

Then she said, “Do you believe this is true? It’s not. I get up every day and do my best, just like you.” She said she often falls short of what she had hoped to accomplish and the days go too fast for her to keep up.

She ended by telling us to “Let go of the knife you are holding at your throat, the knife of shame, blame, fear and remorse.”

There was a long, deathly silence, a clear acknowledgment of how solid her words had hit home with the more than a thousand women in the room.

“Be kind to yourself,” she implored, “especially now. You must give yourself unconditional self-friendship.”

She said a few more things about putting the knife of judgment away and then ended her speech. The room burst with applause. They didn’t mind that she shared nothing new and no secret formula of success.

She shared her humanity. She shared how much she cares about what women are doing to themselves. And she shared a simple, profound truth that we need to hear over and over again.

I have the wonderful opportunity to be in Trinidad and Tobago this week — I will be speaking at A World of Possibilities™ on Thursday — the launch of a yearlong event — speaking directly to the needs of women — just as Elizabeth Gilbert described — all of you at a crossroads in your lives and confronted with so many different decisions that you can’t help but feel a little crazy. It’s my first time to your country and I look forward to sharing and meeting as many of you as I can.

After that Women’s Conference I have even more admiration for Elizabeth Gilbert, as a speaker and a wise woman (and of course, as an author). I will do my best to put the knife away today. What about you?

Want to be Strong and Self Reliant?

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Then ASK FOR HELP!

I don’t know why for such a long time in my life – I wanted to go it alone. I needed to prove that I did it all – by myself with no help from anyone else. What a huge ego I had back then. But so many of us do. There’s always that desire to prove – to prove – to prove! To whom?

In thinking back it started off with that feeling that I was flawed. Everyone else had all the breaks.  I was the one that no one saw. I was the last child who felt that her siblings before her had the best of both worlds – a mother AND a father – who did things with them- (they went on family trips – the pictures reflected that they were having a good time) – that is – until I came along.

So strong the power of our thoughts. Our perception is indeed our reality. And so I needed to prove that I existed and it couldn’t be done with the help of anyone else because then perhaps they might get the credit, and the world still would not know me!

Luckily – I realized that this route was lonely and painful and that the true joy in life, was really in collaborating and sharing the up moments as well as the down moments – in not know EVERYTHING – in the mysteries and nuances because there is learning through it all – the good, the bad and the ugly.

When you have support – in a sister, a good friend, a group of like minded individuals you will find that they have the same challenges, some far worse than yours – but now you are no longer on a solo journey – you have company.

You learn to accept help. Someone might have already gone through what you’re going through now and they give you the help that was given to them.

And finally you get to help others do what you have done.

It’s the circle of love and light. Open yourself up to it. Feel it. Embrace it.

We all want to be strong and self reliant but if you’re drowning it’s always great to have someone, or ‘someones’ that you can lean on and benefit from their collective strength.

Sculpted in high relief and finely detailed, on Coventry 100% rag paper with hand- torn edges – La Familia, the Circle of Love by Orlando Agudelo Botero http://www.orlandoab.com

Some interesting “truths” – no one is exempt :)

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People love to use the phrase ‘the truth shall set you free’ especially if they’re trying to get some juicy gossip out of you :) . And for more serious matters they might use as a warning -’what’s done in darkness WILL come to light!’ (Be very afraid…)

Many of us are not as truthful as this woman being interviewed in the clip below…


Yet all humans follow basic behavioral psychology.  No one is exempt – no matter how smart you think you are. Check out the following list and see if you agree:

  • We all want to be loved.
  • To feel pleasure.
  • Avoid pain.
  • Want to be looked up to by others.
  • Want things we don’t have.
  • Think the grass is greener on the other side.
  • Always look for a better deal.
  • Are uncomfortable of change and the unknown.
  • Tell white lies if we think it will help.
  • Second guess if we are making the right decisions.
  • At times, wish we were someone else.
  • Think others have it easier – and envy them for it.
  • Know that there is untapped potential inside you that you are not using to it’s full potential.
  • Secretly worry if you are worthy of that success and if you can handle it if you achieve it.

Change is difficult – step or otherwise

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There’s something to be said about persistence.

There’s something to be said about having a good support system in place particularly when you embark on an unfamiliar journey.

Kinda reminds me of the song “How Do You Keep The Music Playing” made popular by James Ingram and Patti Austin in the ’80s.

“How do you keep the music playing?
How do you make it last?
How do you keep the song from fading too fast?”

How do you keep the momentum, motivation and inspiration – not when life is sunny and forthcoming – but when things get rocky and the world around you looks nothing like the vision in your head when you started your journey?

“If we can be the best of lovers
Yet be the best of friends
If we can try with everyday to make it better as it grows
With any luck, then I suppose
The music never ends”

It’s so important to love ourselves; to be our own supporters; to keep our vision in focus; to not be thrown off by what is happening outside of us and to remember first that it always starts from within.

It means developing a ritual to support this, never straying far from what got you started in the first place. It means picking yourself back up and getting back on track. It means reminding yourself that this is just the second day haha! and things will get better!

You must set yourself up for success: the right books, the right thoughts, the right team.

Change is difficult yet today I remember – that the music is me and I intend to play out all my songs, that may outlast eternity!