My doctor suggested that I might have been suffering from post traumatic stress. Twenty sixteen was a particularly difficult year.

So often we keep stepping into the next day without any thought about the messages that our bodies send to us. We nurse the pain, self-medicate, indulge in over eating or over drinking – our attempt to numb any discomfort that we may feel – just to get through. Those days, become weeks, become months, become years, become decades. We never stop – that is until we are forced to stop.

I think I was born anxious – part hereditary, part environment.

My hands would shake every time I entered an uncomfortable situation.

• Sitting my piano music exams (Only God knows how I managed to pass all my exams, in some instances, with Honors)
• Walking into a room full of strangers
• The first 5 minutes into playing my guitar publicly
• The first 10 minutes as I begin a presentation or deliver a speech

But after twenty sixteen it got worse.

I discovered that I could not sign my name in any public space: at the bank, to collect a cheque from a client, to enter a client’s building, at the airport, at Licensing…you get the picture

It wasn’t always like this. Yes – I always had nervous hands but I managed to settle into routine and perform admirably in the Waste Water Laboratory at Wasa, a duty requiring speed because you could not keep back the other Scientific Assistant as you poured samples into huge funnels, five at a time; and then quickly had to unscrew the top of your funnel, sanitize your tweezers in alcohol and then an open flame, remove the filter, place on agar, seal the already labeled sample package and place on a tray. It was pace!

I also remember being so proud of my signature in my mid-thirties and happy to sign with flair in front of the people, because they were in awe of how I actually put together the signature. “This looks nothing like Giselle Hudson…but it’s so cool!”

I knew that I should give myself a ten minute window and I’ll settle down before any public performance.

So what happened?

At first I was worried so I did a couple of tests including testing for Parkinson’s and over active thyroid. Both were negative.

I then started to research something called ‘Essential Tremors’ – lord knows why they would call it ‘essential’.

As I investigated I realized that I could not write in my journal as I was accustomed to doing for many, many years. But it wasn’t just being too nervous to write. It felt as if there was an invisible force surrounding my hand that I needed to break through. Sounds weird I know…

What I discovered as I started to pay more attention to my body

1. I am a recovering people-pleaser. When your total focus is on pleasing others while ignoring your own needs you begin over time to build resentment towards others. Initially you might blame them for not reciprocating and doing for you as you would do for them but then you will come to the realization that you need to see after your own needs, and if you want something from someone else – ask for it.
2. Emotions are important. Never stifle an emotion. Don’t pretend to be ‘OK’ when in trutth you are fucking pissed. Don’t hold back tears because you don’t want to appear weak. Quit hiding your truth because you feel vulnerable and exposed.
3. Detaching and shutting down is not an option. You might think it’s a great way to not feel anything but here’s the thing: when you turn off the tap to feeling you literally switch off everything else. Your sex drive takes a hit and so does your creative energy. I read recently that your creative energy needs to flow towards some purpose. If it is not used constructively it gets discharged in destructive ways. If we block our creative energy it will turn back on us and create a pressure within that we will inevitably experience as pain: physical, emotional and mental. An example of this – excessive weight – blocked creative energy with no where to go.
4. Set personal boundaries for yourself – what you will and will not do. If not you are literally placing all your power in someone else’s hands. You are giving them permission to decide on your behalf what is best for you. I did this for far too long. Maybe more than twenty plus years. Diminishing one’s power and right over one’s life is a recipe for disaster. Get comfortable with saying “no”.

Today as I was writing in my journal, I noticed my hand feeling tense, not shaking but enough to affect my handwriting. And as if by magic, my body said, slow down. It’s ok to write slowly. What is your rush?

I was always told that my handwriting was so neat. I loved to hear it, so my journaling became less about expression and more about perfection and seeking to meet the needs of those who saw my handwriting as a work of art.

Now I see it all as a journey back to self.

Your body symptoms may not be nervousness, shaking hands, or feeling anxious, but what I will say to you is this: listen to your body. Pay attention to the messages. You will never be led astray.