I’m very good with children. I make them laugh. I engage them. They talk with me. Some think I’m cool.

I’ve had many a discussion with guys who seem taken aback when I say that I NEVER wanted to have children. I’ve never felt that desire. They think it’s natural for a woman to want children. I don’t.

I feel detached and disconnected when I hear women say that they always knew they wanted to have a child/children. ‘Twas never for me.

This doesn’t mean that my life isn’t filled with children. Three in my immediate family – two daughters and a son. My own goddaughter who is growing up way too fast. My niece and nephew and then children of friends…like Marc and Tricia’s twins and son Zak .

I remember friends half-jokingly relating stories about their kid’s transgressions, as if telling it to a judge in court ending with “and that your honor, was when I strangled him.”

Parents are special. My own parents deserve an award for some of the stuff I put them through, my mother especially. How many times you forgive I guess can be seen in my mom’s own demonstration of forgiveness time and time again…and each time I would vow that I would never do it again.

I believe though that people like me are needed. To co-parent and love differently. To have a different perspective and to remain sort of outside that strong emotional connection that can sometimes cloud reality and prevent real parents from seeing what is.

I will never know what it’s like to be a REAL mother, but I’m not sure that I need to know.

It’s scary being a parent. Your natural tendency is to protect and shield yet – how would they grow? How would they learn? Who would they become? In the little personalities that we’re seeing now at 7 months, will this be how they will continue? At one year you are already so defiant. What can I expect at 11, 21?

Just yesterday I was walking my goddaughter across the bridge at school to the car, asking about her day, pretending that her lunch kit was so heavy that it was weighing me down pulling me over to one side. Today I picked her up with a bunch of friends. They’re spending the week in Tobago. She’s a young woman. As I pull away I say “call me if you need me…” She says “OK.” Not enough for me I go “day or night…” she says…”I know”

I’m somewhat comforted. But I won’t sleep with my phone on silent tonight. Perhaps I am more of a mother than I thought.

 

Image from http://epiphanyinthecacophony.wordpress.com/2014/05/13/mothers-day/

 

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